Question: Have I seen the original Westworld directed by the late, great Michael Crichton?

Answer: No, nor will I.

Now, grab a new pair of Hanes, cuz this shit just got real.

An absolutely electric first episode that did not fail to disappoint anyone, except Teddy (more on that later…). Let it be known that I was the first to say, that fuckin fly had it comin’. And boy was it sweet, sweet victory when it finally came. I won’t go as far to say I’ll be predicting the next major world event, but, hey, maybe.

The first 15 minute overlay of our guy Bernard Lowe (Jeffrey Wright) and Dolores Abernarthy (Evan Rachel Wood) explaining subtly, and not so subtly, how the park works was a nice touch. Perfect for the idiots like me who needed some background and might not have noticed the monotony of what was going on at first. Obviously all this shit will go right out the window as we saw later on, but still, nice one there Bernie, big thanks.

The. Man. In. Black. Need I say more? Of course I do. I’m not quite sure why Ed Harris doesn’t do more fucked up roles where he gets to kill and does terrible things to a bunch of people…oh wait, History of Violence. Regardless, he was spot on and I need to see more of him. He is the villain that I’ve been waiting for. Not a twat like Joffrey Baratheon or a halfwit savant like Errol Childress. I need someone that I secretly root. Someone who makes me actively interested in what he or she does to appease whatever fucked up Freudian theory I’m exhibiting today. I want 110% more of The Man in Black.

Shout out to Dr. Robert Ford (Anthony Hopkins) and his always stellar performance. His evolutionary speech was chilling and obviously points to where this beautiful tragedy is headed. Technology and evolution have advanced to the point where really, what’s left? This truly is it, fucking robots. A sad, but very real possibility. The perfect vision that has gotten way out of hand, a boy who just learned the magnificence of his penis. Makes me wonder if they just ripped off Bill Burr and his stance on the human race, I see you Jonathan Nolan.

On to the meat and potatoes. Now at first I couldn’t quite put my finger on what actually caused Sheriff Pickett (Brian Howe) and Peter Abernathy (Louis Herthum) to lose their shit. My original thoughts were obviously the reverys(?) that Ford put in, considering that’s what our man Bernie was thinking. But then Abernathy picking up the photo. Did that trigger something in his revery that caused him to go buckwild? Methinks we’re on to something.

When they take in Abernathy for being a bad bitch, and he freaks out in front of literally the worst person to freak out in front of, he drops, “You’re in a prison of your own sins.” Loved it. Gave me chills down to my ass and actually had some deeper meaning than sounding like a sketchball. Ford dropping the whole “that was one of his previous character’s lines” was great. A fucking cannibal cult Abernathy! You absolute dog.

Some other quick character thoughts. Lee Sizemore (Simon Quarterman), huge prick. Really thought this guy nailed the whole “I’m wicked smart. Ford’s time has passed. Let the young gun step in” schtick. Fuck him. Great narratives though. Hector Escaton (Rodrigo Santoro), easily my second favorite character behind another dude who dresses in all black. That shootout/robbery was fuckin lit. Good shit there Sizemore, ya prick. Seriously, more Hector please.

Speaking of which, great fuckin mix of “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones. Pitched a halfer during that one. Maeve Millay (Thandie Newton), never heard of this broad, but damn, she was fire. Laid the smacketh down whenever she was on screen and really nailed the grizzled prostitute role. Lotta potential there. Obviously shoutout to Teddy Flood (James Marsden), dude was classic cowboy hero material. Wasn’t a showstopper but played his role well. A great six-man.

Now, this section will always be evolving as the show goes on. These are my totally legit and factual Vegas odds for shit that might go down in the show, which we will call TDR’s 5 Vegas Picks. If you don’t know how my Vegas odds work, first number is for the event happening and the second number is against the event happening. Giddyup:

Teddy bones Dolores: 30/70

Man in Black isn’t a guest: 60/40

Ford dies before the season finale: 80/20

Guest dies before episode 5: 60/40

Sizemore is a prick: 100/0

Almost forgot, a motherflippin rating! These most likely will never be repetitive nor will they ever make any sense. Generally, it will be a 1-10 scale, 1 being it sucked a bag of dicks, 10 being it was better than The Battle of the Bastards….However, I will put a real rating underneath for reference. Here it is:



Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you kiddys soon.